Hello, Riverdale Class of 2018!
Stereotypical mobsters! Footballer locker room arm wrestling! Former bootlegging nuns' gay hook-up tunnel! Why, it must be a new Riverdale!
We open on Cheryl at former(?) orphanage turned gay conversion therapy facility, run by the Sisters of Quiet Mercy. It's the same facility that Polly Cooper was sequestered in last season during her pregnancy. But I guess there's no money in hiding pregnant teens anymore because for movie night, the nuns have pulled out the old film projector to learn the kids the dangers of homosexuality, using a 1950s black and white style PSA featuring hook-up BFs Moose and Kevin Keller. Cheryl was crying. I was crying, but maybe for a different reason.
Toni leads the charge with Josie and Veronica to find Cheryl because, as Veronica notes, Cheryl's dead social media is a sign of foul play. This is the most honest statement in all of Riverdale, ever.
After confronting Penelope, Josie drops the search and rescue mission when Penelope provides the girls with Cheryl's creepy sketch of her and Josie from earlier this season. Stalker much? We still don't know who sent Josie the bloody pig's heart. Was it Cheryl?
The mission goes briefly cold until Nana "Help I've fallen and can't get to the water closet" Blossom calls Toni at school. Veronica and Toni, with help from Kevin, deduce that Cheryl is at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy.
Kevin's knowledge of the Sisters comes from his woodland hook-ups with boys from the facility who would escape their conversation therapy at night via an old tunnel the nuns once used for bootlegging during prohibition.
It’s through this tunnel that Toni and Veronica rescue Cheryl! And, clutch the pearls! No really! Veronica's all black heist outfit (so hot!) came complete with a string of white pearls. Is it rescue mission? or the Met gala?
Our Cheryl plot concludes when a nun too happy Cheryl demands to be cast in Kevin's production of Carrie the Musical. Because she wants new habits…
Chic's story also wraps up this episode after the discovery of Dwayne the drug dealer's car in Swedelow Swamp. Betty and Jughead learn from Sheriff's son Kevin Keller, it's not Dwayne's after the car is claimed by its owner! Thinking he's helping. Seriously not helping, Chic surprises Betty and Alice with the car's owner Darla! Darla is so not bothered by Dwayne's death and she promises not to talk to the cops if the Cooper's give her $10,000. So it's Betty to the bank!
During the withdrawal, however, another Centerville goon -- Chic's former landlord, Marcel -- joins Darla. In a panicked call, Alice tells Betty not to return from the bank. Betty does return, but not alone. When Marcel and Darla threaten to remain comfortable in their new Riverdale home, Jughead and the serpents bust in with switchblades a blazin'! Betty tells Marcel and Darla to take the cash and leave.
After her rescue, Alice Cooper apologizes to the serpents for years of campaigning against them. Apology complete with a solo visit to FP’s trailer. No words exchanged, but FP's not so subtle gum toss as Alice entered told us everything. Classy.
Chic also agrees to leave the Coopers. This was a little too convenient, right? Was Chic in the shakedown?
Speaking of shakedowns, Lenny and Squiggy, I mean Lenny and Carl, business associates of Hiram, re-appear this episode to demand 25% off the Lodge's prison's profits. Archie, however, sends them packing after making a deal with Reggie! Reggie can have all the bulldogs' vote for Student Council President if the bulldogs take care of Hiram's problems. And they do - as the formally red circle, now dark circle, set Lenny and Squiggy's car on fire!
Of note is Archie's Black Hood trauma flashback... When Adams betrays the lodges and stabs Andre while wearing a ski mask, Archie gets a Black Hood flashback. Could Adams have been the Black Hood?
Oh, and Fred's running for mayor. Something no one saw coming!
Up next - Stephen King's classic sci-fi novel Carrie gets a Riverdale musical make-over! Over 11 songs from the original 1988 Broadway production of Carrie are featured... But can Riverdale overcome the curse? The original musical production of Carrie closed within three days of opening...
As Cheryl says, "The School is going to burn!" It’s an all new Riverdale A Night to Remember!