SEATTLE — What do you do if you find three grandmothers in Washington State — where recreational marijuana is legal — who have never smoked pot? You hand them a bong and a lighter if you’re producers at Cut Video — then start recording.
How about a little Malt Liquor by JenRo feat. Reese Matik for opening music? With a little slow-motion of the grannies feeling the effects of marijuana? Yes, that’s when we know we’re in for a laugh.
But let’s get to how it all started.
The three grannies sit together at a table, looking like they’re about to play bridge or something, but instead, they talk about having never smoked marijuana.
Director: “Is there a reason why you haven’t?”
Granny 1: “I was too busy raising children.”
Granny 2: “I was a suburban housewife and we had our cigarettes and our cocktails and we were happy.”
Granny 3: “No, I’ve never smoked marijuana before.”
Well, what are we waiting for?
Director: “It’s happening! Let’s bring it out there!”
Amid comments of, “Oh, I have nerves,” and “All of a sudden, I have butterflies!” and “Yipes!,” a purple bong is brought out with a red disposable lighter.
Granny 3: “We don’t know what to do with that.”
Director: “Are you comfortable or do you want me to light it?”
Granny 1, contemplating: “…Okay.”
So he shows where he will light it and points while he instructs, “And then you would just inhale from the top and that’s going to drive smoke into here.”
Granny 1: “OH. Here we go!”
She takes that lighter like a pro. “Standby, one,” as she ignites for the first time.
Director helps her out as she’s inhaling. “So, yeah, you can gently.. you can stop lighting.. you can let go of the lighter.” Granny 3 is going to help Granny 1. Because that’s what good grannies do.
Granny 3: “Now take a breath.”
Granny 1: Cough, cough.
Granny 3: “Maybe not?”
As Granny 2 begins her first hit ever, Granny 1 comments, “It’s smooth,” and then she takes a long, serious, smooth blink. All to the delight of Granny 3, who is last in line.
Granny 2 inhales. Like she’s been doing it since the 30’s. (Were there bongs in the 30’s?) While Granny 2 is taking her first hit, Granny 1 is feeling hers.
Granny 2, being a polite granny, passes the bong to Granny 3, but Granny 1 stops her. “You need more,” Granny 1 says. It does not take her long to become a pro!
Granny 2: “I need more?”
Granny 1, nodding: “Oh, you need more.” So Granny 1 lights the bong as Granny 2 gives it another go.
Hey, Granny 1 knows what she’s talking about! Granny 2 is mellow as she exhales and passes the bong to Granny 3. The lighter can stay with Granny 1 because she has mastered the fire-to-weed ratio.
Granny 1 to Granny 3: “Put your whole face over that.”
If this had happened 50 years earlier and become a recreational activity for the trio, Granny 1 would definitely be the one who always had the good weed. She’s the Woody Harrelson of this group.
Granny 1, still instructing: “Yes, there. Do it like you mean it.”
Granny 3 means it. For Pete’s sake, she’s been patiently waiting all this time. Even on her big day, she patiently waits her turn.
All the while during Granny 3’s first turn, Granny 2 is just sitting back. And chillin’.
Granny 3 cough-laughs through her first hit.
Granny 1: “She meant it.” Granny 1 says this as she’s pulling the bong back to the start, in front of herself.
All three grannies deserve a shout out for not catching fire to their flowing garments — a shawl, a neck scarf, a blouse over a shell — traditional grannywear.
Granny 2 to Granny 1: “It’s your turn.” (No chance Granny 1 doesn’t know that, Granny 2.)
Granny 1: “Oh, it’s my turn.” She might have forgotten because the bong did stop in the middle of the table and Granny 1 was staring at it.
Granny 1 takes the second bong hit of her life, as Granny 3 experiences a little residual coughing — but she’s still smiling through it all, even when she says, “Okay, BURNING.”
Granny 2 just smiles at Granny 3 when she hears this. She doesn’t care. Granny 2 quite gracefully takes her second hit as Granny 3 is still laughing about how the smoke is also burning her nose.
They let one minute elapse before getting the grannies’ reactions. They look relaxed, right?
Granny 2: “I think it was easier than I thought.”
Granny 1 at the same time: “Nothing’s better than that.” (Not sure to what she is referring. Or reefer-ing — get it? I think someone asked her if it was better than something else.)
Granny 3 jumps in: “Yeah.”
Granny 2: “Yeah. And I think it was better to do….”
Granny 3, with her hand to her chest: “Except now it’s burning, burning, burning.” But yes, she’s still smiling and happy to be here.
Granny 2 is clearly a thinker, at least in this state. Very philosophical. She continues on how this way was better.
Granny 2: “…the bong and not the cigarette (looks to Granny 3 to check vocabulary), the joint. Whatever it’s called.
What about five minutes later? How do they feel? Little thirsty?
Granny 1: “Okay.”
Granny 2: “Yeah, I can feel something in my brain. Can you?” she asks Granny 3.
Granny 1, smiling big: “I feel like I’m smiling.” Good guess, Granny 1.
10 minutes later, we’ve got more water bottles and a Jenga game.
Granny 3: “You’ve played this before!”
Granny 2: “I’ve played this before.”
Granny 1 is just getting a few guzzles of water and watching. “Oh, I didn’t know you could use all your hands,” she says.
Granny 2, serenely: “No, you can’t.”
You know, if Granny 2 doesn’t care that Granny 3 is using both hands, I don’t think we should, either.
Granny 3, as the Jenga tower topples: “Oh, you can’t?”
Granny 1: “Yay!!”
15 minutes later, it’s time for a vaporizer. Clearly, these ladies have not seen a vaporizer before — even though it looks somewhat familiar.
No need to worry grannies, that’s not what it is.
Granny 1: “I won’t tell you what was going through MY mind.”
After some serious giggling, he has to ask.
Director: “What was going through your mind?”
Granny: “I thought it was a dildo, but I’ve never seen anything on the end of it.”
She gives the vaporizer a whirl as the trio plays the game Cards Against Humanity.
Granny 1: “Just.. nothing.”
Director: “Yeah, feels like nothing.”
Then it hits.
Granny: “OH. This could be dangerously fun.”
Granny 2 is watching for a light at the bottom to signal her that it’s okay to take her hit. NO, that’s not how you do it.
Granny 1: “No, just do it.”
Granny 2: “I was watching the light there.”
Granny 1: “Oh, forget the light.”
Granny 3 (suddenly remembering driver’s ed?): “Yes, if it’s green you can go. Green means go.”
Granny 1: “Just do it.”
Granny 2: “Alright.”
Success. Now it’s Granny 3’s turn (she has to wipe off the straw) as Granny 1 comments, “That straw thing, you want to swallow…” then she looks up and sees Granny 3 looking like the lite version of a fire-breathing dragon.
Granny 1, impressed: “Jesus! Sweet mother.”
Granny 2: “She got actual smoke.” Granny 3 is completely thrilled with her new dangerous self.
20 minutes later — what’s your guess?
During Cards Against Humanity, Granny three takes pride in repeatedly getting to say, “bleached a**hole.”
25 minutes later, there are snacks; more munching, less chatter.
30 minutes later, a priceless revelation.
Granny 1: “I could go iron now, for days. I love to iron.”
Granny 3: “You do??”
Granny 2: “You’re kinda weird.”
35 minutes later, during more of the game, the grannies come upon a new word: Queefing. Queefing?
Granny 1: “What’s queefing?”
They tell her.
But then you know what? Granny 1 decides to go with queefing for her play in the game.
Grannies 2 and 3 are proud of her. She’s not done.
Granny 1, reading her cards: “Coming to Broadway, P***y Farts, the Musical.”
40 minutes later, they talk about the experience.
Granny 1: “When I do it, I really feel like the muscles here in my neck seem not as tight, and I see a lot of benefits for it.”
Granny 2: “I totally lost track of what you were talking about.”
Granny 1 is not insulted. “I know! And then, sometimes, when we’re up here, we just get so.. like, ”What?’ What were you saying?'”
How does Granny 2 feel?
Granny 2: “I’m feeling like I really don’t care if I understand.”
Granny 1: “She’s so cute!”
Granny 2: “And so…. (she forgot what she was saying) Little bit of tea, I think, kicked it up a notch.”
Granny 1: “Are you sure that was tea?”
Granny 2 to Granny 3: “Okay, so go ahead and tell us… tell a story… and we’ll…. (trails off, doesn’t care)”
Granny 3: “I don’t think I…. I think I really inhaled a lot but I do not feel as high as they feel to me.”
Granny 3: “I don’t feel as high to me as they look to me.”
Granny 1: “Oh, boy.”
Granny 2: “Just like being drunk, isn’t it?”
Would they do it again?
Granny 1, as she tries to open a bag of chips: “Yeah, I would do it again. If I can get this bag of chips open.”
Make sure you watch to the very end so you can see the very important disclaimer. Whew.
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