Emotional Ronda Rousey Reveals She Had Suicidal Thoughts After Holly Holm Defeat

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MMA fighter Ronda Rousey was hit by a lot more than Holly Holm’s fists when she lost her UFC championship in November 2015.

Rousey is talking today on The Ellen DeGeneres Show about  her loss to Holly Holm, saying she was “knocked out on [her] feet” the first time she got hit and doesn’t actually remember much of the fight.

“I couldn’t tell how far my hand was from my face. Or how far she was from me. When you sit and you’re not moving and you’re still not aware of where your body is,” says Rousey. “That’s like the part of your brain that tells you where you are in space. And that kind of turned off, I was swinging blindly. I knew she was out there, but like, I really don’t remember most of it.”

After the match, Rousey says she was sitting in the medical room and feeling completely worthless.

“I was sitting in the corner like, ‘What am I anymore if I’m not this?’ And I was literally sitting there and thinking about killing myself,” says Rousey, starting to cry. “That exact second I’m like, ‘I’m nothing. What do I do anymore? No one gives a s*** about me anymore without this.’”

But she says looking up and seeing her boyfriend, fellow UFC fighter Travis Browne, is what brought her out of her despair.

“I saw my man Travis was standing up there and I looked up at him and I was like, I need to have his babies, I need to stay alive. Really that was it,” says Rousey, adding, “I haven’t told anybody that. I think I only told him that. But that was like what I was thinking. I was meant to have him when I was at my lowest, for sure. I don’t know if I would have made it without him.”

But Rousey says that she feels as though she’s still undefeated because she picked herself up off the floor and kept going.

“Maybe just winning all the time isn’t what’s best for everybody. Everyone has their moment of picking themselves off the floor. Maybe I just had to be that example of picking myself up the floor for everyone maybe that’s what I’m meant for. I really do believe I’m still undefeated because being defeated is a choice. Everybody has losses in their life, but I choose to always be undefeated.”